Making a Great First Impression When Seeing a New Doctor

Haven’t seen an optometrist in almost 2 years, and I went to a new Doctor this morning. And this happened.

*DISCLAIMER*: I’m an idiot and should not be allowed to have medical conversations before, say…11 am.]

This is a bit overdramatic.

CHARACTERS (in order of appearance):

Dr. Palmer


Elisa the Assistant

Following a casual discussion regarding Heather’s health history …

* * Dr. Palmer: “Have you ever been dilated?”

* * Heather: “Um…the only dilation I know about is the kind alerting you that you’re about to push a human being out of your, uh, vagina, and I don’t have any kids, so I’m going with…no? Or maybe…what exactly do you mean by ‘dilation’?”

* * Dr. Palmer  (between guffaws – yes, I witnessed someone guffawing): “Yeah, I don’t think we’ll be doing that today! I don’t even have stirrups in this exam room! Good god, that was the funniest response I’ve ever gotten to that question.”

* * Heather (throws hands up in the air like Costanza yet inexplicably waves them around Team-America-danger signal style):


*Heather* pretends to start to get out of her chair to go out on a high note like George Costanza but instead and somewhat predictably – knocks her head on gigantic and presumably highly expensive eye-stuff equipment and falls back into her chair in such an inelegant position she nearly slides out of it completely. *Dr. Palmer *and *Elisa the Assistant*  laugh hysterically, all pretense of professionalism gone in the wake of the startling amount of carnage Heather caused in less than 60 seconds. They comically bump into each other while attempting to keep Heather from first banging her FACE on the equipment then sliding on to the floor, eventually recover, and reach for the ubiquitous eye exam room tissues to wipe the tears off their faces.

So that was MY morning. How’s your day going?

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